Not All Kimchis Are Created Equal

Political discourse is beginning to heat up, new episodes of the Jersey Shore are being broadcasted, and, finally, Andrew has returned to Asia. This year's soup de jour is Seoul, South Korea, and I'm picking up right where I left off: communication breakdowns, questionable parts of animals disguised as food, and a butchering of local customs and traditions.

Since my last post, I returned to the east coast to pursue the job I'm most qualified for - professional temp. Cubicle occupier? You couldn't typecast a better example; I departed early, showed up late, had indiscernible sauce stains on my white oxfords, and a general sense of distrust towards executive management (henceforth, 'the man'). Nevertheless, my effots impressed my handlers. I can only imagine the calibre of interns that came before me and have moved on to greener pastures, these fallen fools are the real heroes.

In typical fashion, I invited dozens of my closest associates to Rhode Island for a quiet, sentimental farewell. This year, the police only came once! Because I'm a little bit behind in my blogging efforts, I anticipate to pull some Quentin Tarantino tricks by skipping to the present and slowly unveiling the missteps made to get here. As before, I'm back to being Teacher Andrew. This time around, however, I wield a red pen like a samurai sword, cutting and slashing inferior homework, dishing out extra work to be completed within an unreasonable amount of time. Vocabulary tests? Quizzes? Essays? These are my torture devices manipulated with excruciating precision. Play time is over...unless we are on break time during which we can play...BUT after that, no more play time. More to come on the seriousness of studying in Korea.

Hat level: Master

For many of you know who know about my affinity for sweet hats, this is easily a top three ballot. Upon a crusty blue, denim hat resides a living, breathing kitty cat who seemed quite comfortable. Kitty's role as forward lookout is important, but her trusting nature causes her to lose focus easily. The locals were blown away by this purring Stetson seen in a local park just outside a popular nightlife area around 3:00AM. The wearer calmly explained that anybody is capable of making an avant garde piece of headwear; the real challenge is keeping a pocket litter box in case of emergencies. I'm sure we'll be seeing this upon Lady Gaga's head at the next major music award show. I wonder if this is what Dr Seuss meant by his most famous work.

My TV Has A Cell Phone: You can tell a lot about a Korean by the kind of cell phone they have. A user of an iPhone 5 is trendy, fashionable, and takes considerable effort curating their style. A user of a Galaxy S III is hip, energetic, and embraces complete integration of technology in day to day activities. And if a person in Korea doesn't own a cell phone, they're probably from North Korea. On a daily basis, I see couples texting each other back and forth, giggling at the smiley emoticons that light up their LED screens. Normally this would be criminally cute, the effect is lost when the lovers are sitting next to each other on the subway. Most phones, including my own, has an expandable antenna which enables live TV watching around the clock at no additional charge. I didn't even have a TV in my last apartment! Even while jogging along the Han river at any point in the day, other 'walkers' pretending to exercise have a iPad-sized cellular device at arms length to be able to watch...something. My phone has apps out the wazoo, I have apps for my apps, and their apps have back-up apps in case of an app-related crisis. If tomorrow all of the cell phones in Korea disappeared, everybody would spontaneously combust into a cloud of ionizing radiation.

Some Like It Hot: At first glance, I thought to myself, 'red is an odd color for a toothpaste. But, remember Andrew, this is a different culture, things are and will get weird.' Embrace change, they said. This'll be a learning experience, they said. This deceiving tube of fiery Crest is actually gochujang, the national sauce of Korea, if there was such a thing. Thankfully I didn't confuse it with facial moisturizer or hemorrhoid cream. During my average inflight meal of bibimbap, the lovely attendant handed over this unassuming tube to add 'flavor of spice' so I can 'burn off foreign ass'. And I didn't even pay extra, must have been my charm.

Most of Korea is blanketed in a Siberian winter, spicy food is a taste preference as much as a necessity to keep warm during the unforgiving winters. In the local big box supermarket, they sell gochujang in twelve liter buckets. As a spice aficionado, I've come to embrace the Korean palate and can't wait to smear this goo on a roasted cow ankle or pig throat.

There is already an endless supply of shocking, surprising, confusing, and heart-warming (maybe not) collection of observations and tales. Being a collector of strangeness, I'm very excited to relay my experiences, and I hope you are looking forward to reading them. From K-pop to kimchi, this should be a great year and you should come along on my journey. You didn't think I was going to come halfway around the world and not do a bunch of embarrassing stunts along the way, did you?

xoxo