Taipei Idol

For Facebookers who have seen this, tough nuggets.

My beloved Giraffe School; sometimes, I go to work and sometimes, I teach kids something American. For Halloween, it was how to properly set up a flaming bag of poo on a doorstep. For Thanksgiving, it was how to fit an amount of food the size of your head into your belly. And for Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I know what you're thinking -what about holiday spirit? Shouldn't they learn about thankfulness? Do they know about egg nog yet? No, no and major no. However, to prove to parents that a foreign teacher does have it's limited uses, I present to you an all-access behind the scenes for a limited time only once in a lifetime rare glimpse behind the rarely rare footage of rareness that is a practice rehearsal. I know, VIP. Many of you are saying - how am I getting this access, I don't even have a Twitter account? That is true, and you are behind the times, but fear not commoners, I'll release this regardless. WikiLeaks hasn't returned any of my emails, fools!

Flirty Toilet

I like things that are straightforward, especially my toilets. Per the norm for obsessive signage in all areas of public transportation, these signs are found inside the subway station restrooms. "Come Closer Please" - very polite, suggestive even. Hopefully I get a phone number after this encounter, if not I'll settle for a thorough hand washing. I wonder if this was a literal translation or if it is something the engineers just settled on to encourage foreigners not to make a mess. I have a few suggestions to improve this message...

- Come Closer Please, You Smell Great

- Have We Met Before?

- Comer Closer Please...Wow!

- Welcome Back!

- It Was Good For Me

- You From Around Here?

But like all things public transportation, the facilities shine and sparkle, my nose twitches from the bleached air. Unlike some transit abominations (South Station, Boston or Port Authority, NYC), I don't feel the need to light my clothes on fire after I exit. Instead of using acetone to wash my hands and a therapist to cope with my pathological fear of contamination, Taipei stocks velvety Softsoap Antibacterial Liquid Hand Soap with Light Moisturizers with hint of vanilla scent. My skin celebrates!

You're doing it wrong.

Coming next...

Are you at a bar and have had too much to drink? Trying to enjoy the contents of your stomach a second time in reverse? Need to make upchuck and don't know where to go? I will show the world!

Million Dollar Question

"Congratulations" a stranger says, "here is $1,000,000."

A good day for you, indeed, but what do you do with it? People I know might say buy a fancy car, get plastic surgery, pay off loans, have a party with an endangered species buffet, quit my job or take my girlfriend out for an amazing dinner at the Olive Garden. All good ideas, a good mix of the selfish and the selfless. But what about the youth? What do kids, especially Taiwanese kids forced to attend English school taught by a doofus foreigner, want to do with free money? I got a preview of their innermost desires on Friday.

I was teaching the 10-year olds - a bright young group full of future lawmakers, ditch diggers, scientists and crash test dummies. To begin classes, I always have some kind of warm-up which can be in the form of a sentence, question, activity or nap. This afternoon was...

"What would you do if you had $1,000,000 dollars?"

Teacher Andrew: "I would buy a fast car."

Of course I wouldn't but whatever. Besides, I couldn't drive fast in this city even if I wanted too. The roads are as clogged as Dick Cheney's arteries and the ubiquitous scooter would block my path like a boss. At first I wrote "I would buy a case of Dom Perignon's Moet et Chadon, a pet anteater and a Faberge egg" but tragically I was unable to translate any of the items on my wishlist. So I went with the car, easy is good. Students began to answer (all of the answers 100% unchanged), initially with the moral correctness of a saint: "I would donate it, I would give it to my mom" and "I would give it back." Wait, what? To who? Take the money and run you fools! Do you realize how many Pokemon you can buy? Have you ever had candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner? You could buy Giraffe school, fire me, pay me to be your servant and make me do humiliating things all day - too late on that last part. I congratulated them on their earnest kindness towards others, BUT, what fun would that be? I changed the question to "What would you buy with..." Finally, some creativity. Here are the top answers, the names have been changed to protect the incompetent...

4. Melinda: "I would buy 10,000 tomatoes."

She doesn't look Italian but I've been wrong about these things before. What I loved about this answer was the specificity (say that three times fast). First, 10,000. I've been alive for 8,976 days which means a tomato a day, every day for my whole life. Second, tomatoes. I don't like any product in the world to have 10,000 of it. If you know me well, maybe Frank's RedHot but still, wow.

3. Patricia: "I would buy 100 mice and one snake."

Somebody start hugging this girl. I'm sure at first the snake would be pumped. But after looking at the varmints for a little while, I think it would just end up wondering where to put all of these furry entrees. Kind of like having 10,000 tomatoes. "...no, yeah I like mice. But. You know I eat one every couple weeks, right?"

2. Buddy: "I would buy your head."

Good hair day? More like mesmerizing hair day. What would he do with it? Bowling? Keep it in a jar? I didn't dig to find the answer, some things are not worth finding out. Better idea Buddy, just take a picture. Please? Is that sword real? Ok that's not funny. Put it down, seriously. No? Ok, minus two points. Yeah, I thought so.

1. Jack: "I would fight my cat."

Yes. Amazing. The students didn't think it was very funny, they all donated to Peta last year. I guess having loads of money allows you to follow your passions: Jimmy likes animal combat. Iconic match-ups like "Ali v Frazier," "De La Hoya v Mayweather," "Tyson v Holyfield" will be replaced by "Jack v Mittens" or "Jack v Snowball." He's a bit puny, my money is on the feline.

A foreign teacher told me that sometimes the kids have a hard time being creative. I disagree, they just need to be reassured that being creative is fun and appropriate in the right environment. During their normal school day, students are drilled on the finer points of grammar, spelling and the proper usage of the verbs. But when they come to my class, they are able to spice it up a little bit: instead of Mr Smith as a subject, let's use Lady Gaga. Rather than "run a race" we could "run to the moon." In any case, there is no such thing as having too much creativity, as long as you don't get stuck with 10,000 of anything.

Halloween Evidence

Do I like dancing? Sure. Am I good at it? Heck yes, here is the proof.

Teacher Andrew and super-Teacher Celeste wanted to do a little something 'special' for our lovely students at Giraffe School in Tianmu. Private lessons are available however there is a three month wait, email to get on the list and men need not apply.

This Bar Has Wheels

Late December in New England: frozen sidewalks, windburn, darkness, depression.

Late December in Taiwan: frozen daquiris, sunburn, brightness, depression ("Aw dude, that beer stand is far away, bummer.").

These are the problems that ravage the tropical landscape of Kenting, Taiwan. Truly hard times have befallen Brendan and I; should we go surfing or just lay on this velvety, white sand? Ugh, I hate making difficult decisions. And where the hell is my sunscreen?

About a month ago, I asked my terrific employers how long my Christmas break was? They informed me that Christmas Eve was on a Friday, that leaves Saturday and Sunday, the whole day is all yours kiddo! Vomit. No Christmas break? No time away from my ungrateful, extremely well-behaved and literate students? Does Jesus know about this? I've got news for you Giraffe, if I don't take a few days off, these kids are going to start learning the English language with a Southern accent and vocabulary words that would make a prison guard blush. My bosses don't speak great English, I guess my wild gesturing and barbaric tone scared them into giving me a few days off.

After Giraffe's Christmas Spectacular (will post later in the week), the foreign roommates went out for some Christmas Eve libations, ending very late and discussing the brilliance and fortitude behind the Christmas Yule Log DVD. SPOILER ALERT: It's a video of a log fire set to Christmas tunes, wish I could have been at the production meeting for this blockbuster. After three hours of sleep, or decomposing, Brendan and I made our way to the main station in Taipei to board the high-speed rail (HSR). The train moves at 150 MPH, has cabin attendants, assigned seating and can offer some of the most amazing views of the Taiwanese countryside. I learned all of this from the brochure stuffed into the seat in front of me, I spent the two hours on board drooling into my armpit. From the last stop, the southern city Kaoshiung, and another one hour by bus, we made it to Kenting - a little smelly, confused, sweaty but conscious. Temporarily.

The small town hugs the coast for about a mile, one main road allowing beach-goers access to the rocky shoreline. Kenting consists of the following: a mega-resort filled with people who wear their sandals in a pool, an elementary school, two vans that sell alcohol (or two bars with engines), small restaurants and bars, dozens of surf shops, a impressive population of wild dogs and scooter salesmen up the wazoo. Quiet, unassuming, the area is frequented by foreigners and I think English here was more usable than Taipei. Most of the action is on the main drag, a beach anchoring either end, vendors and food carts straddling the road at night. The specialty? Grilled cuttlefish, think squid's better looking cousin. Since crazy ideas like "refrigeration" and "sanitation" top the vendor list of "Things I Don't Give A Crap About," I skipped these particular purveyors.

There is a pleasant national park to visit with the normal features: visitors center, nature park, hiking, bus-loads of Japanese, conservation center to name a few. We did a short hike, filled with ups and downs, impressive views, rocks, and trees, and shrubs, and plants, and birds, and blah blah blah. Sorry folks, you get the idea, it was really nice and I really enjoyed it but I can only elaborate so much before I start to cut and paste from National Geographic.

They will rent scooters to anybody. Sure you could walk most places, but why not take your life into your own hands for a few days? Could be fun! I rented from a gentleman by the side of the road; eating a sandwich, balancing a cellphone between his shoulder and ear, writing out the lease form. Definitely legit. After I cleaned off the lettuce from my helmet, rock and roll. I'm sure to fit in like a local, no problem just ease the throttle and OH MY GOD A BUS! No problem.

Wherever Brendan and I go, we make friends, we did so at two competing bars. But as I alluded, these are not your typical bars. Sure, we visited a few brick and mortar watering holes but something didn't feel right; I couldn't take the bar with me after I had my fill.

Van bar numero uno is Mark Bar. Nicely stocked, well-known, a locals place. We happened upon this vehicle by accident; the sound of hippy drums drifted down the coast and called us like the Siren's song. And the Siren is Jagermeister. We linked up with many locals, learned about what beaches to visit and why living in a city is so "not righteous, maaaan" and "totally bogus, maaaan." Just kidding, the locals did describe the rhythm of Kenting as more mellow. Mellow as in drink until dawn, go surfing, maybe work a little, and repeat kind of mellow, maaaaaan.

Mark's Bar is situated on the back of an over-sized flatbed , fully stocked with electricity and coolers. Besides wine and finer spirits, it offered everything one could need and even a few challenges. For example if you could ride a bicycle the size of a terrier inside a small hula-hoop three times, you win a free shot of tequila. Or you could fall on your face one time and buy the damn thing.

The rival across the street was Alex's Bar. In his mind, Alex is a black, Jamaican musician, touring the world spreading reggae rhythms, using an incomprehensible accent and feeling 'ire. Instead, he is a Taiwanese bartender, touring the coast spreading hangovers in a van using an incomprehensible accent. Not too far off. But he was a true gentleman and one of the friendliest people we met. The van is all reggae, all the time. His chariot decked out in rastafari colors, furniture made by hand from driftwood, homages to reggae legends, amazing music playing at all times. We were treated with true island hospitality and talked the night away over cold beer and a magic potion. The name wasn't very friendly but it included the word 'bucket' and some a combination of foul words that rhyme. Take a small, plastic beach bucket, a pint of cheap whiskey, a can of soda and an energy drink and all of a sudden this reggae club is hopping. And after another one, you'll think you're at a bar that you can drive! Excellent! But drinking and driving is NOT excellent man, drinking and scootering is way more fun. Jokes...

We sat on a beach, we swam, we ate fresh seafood, we stayed out late. We had lunch at a bistro with a French owner (Chez Papa, amazing brunch!) and the nicest wife who would happily taunt our pathetic appearances after a long night, "Oh, 1:00 lunch, early for you today." I'm going to come back; warm weather, cheap hotels, reggae music, surfers, cute girls and a whole lot of nothing. And when I'm back at Giraffe, getting poked, prodded, smacked and teased, I'll be daydreaming of that day; the feathery sand, warm breezes, refreshing ocean water, briny smells and balmy temperatures. I miss it already, maaaaaaaan.