#1 - What The Hell Is This?

One of my regular bits will absolutely be "What The Hell Is This?" - I will go to my Happy Place (7Eleven), visit a strange place or see something unusual and try to figure out what it is purely by appearance. I'll try to stay away from the obvious, picture-laden items, because what fun would it if got exactly what I expected.

The Item: It was in the refrigerated beverage section of Happy Place, so before you even guess road flare, you're wrong (I hope). Dark bluish/purple, it is definitely liquid and then only discernible writing says "Mandheling", not much going on there.

My Guess: Looks fancy, I think it is a type of juice - maybe one of those neo-vitamin super antioxidants that nobody has every heard of. Like a Tropical Double Rainbow Geofruit Fikus Citrus Berry drink...

The Result: Coffee, I was way off! Sugared, with a splash of milk, it is delicious, rich and extremely flavorful. This bevy is excellent, think one of those canned Starbucks drinks except less expensive and without the pretentiousness. A repeat buy strongly possible, but what aisle are the road flares...

Soup Commie

There once was a woman who made me some soup
Tasted like heaven, looked like some poop.

I walked past her stand just the other day
Now I need help, I can't stay away.

Her regular is brown, filled with allspice
When it hits the belly, I'm feeling all nice.

With chicken, rice, carrots, potatoes and bones
Swimming in brown gravy, my soul she now owns.

Today she had a seafood special that looks quite white
But unlike a scary ghost, it causes no fright.

Squid? Scallops? Cuttlefish it might be
Not tuna, not clams but from the near sea.

She works in a closet, without too much room
Dark, dreary and damp, it seems like her tomb.

Soup Commie doesn't speak English, I don't know Chinese
Whenever she uses her magic, it brings me to my knees.

Quit Bossing Me Around, Subway

The public transportation system here is great; clean, fast, cheap, air-conditioned and extremely simple to use. But things weren't always like this, in fact it used to be unruly, dangerous and shady. Since the passing of the Dark Ages, the transportation department has spruced it up with some sweet signage to avoid any problems. Here are a few choice examples...

As you can see, the subway is littered with questionable characters - there is a designated section for women and children to wait for the train under the watchful eye of a security camera. I'm not sure if it is working...
Don't even THINK of bringing your pet pigeons or fireworks collection. Pigeons already crap on cities too much, if they caught fire too it would be disastrous. Your dog is fine, as long as it is in your purse.


WHERE AND HOW DO WE WAIT FOR THE TRAIN?!?! Problem solved, pedestrian lanes! And they are used - yesterday I got caught in a six Taiwanese pile-up after a bucket of eels spilled onto the platform.


BUT WHAT IF THERE ARE NO LANES?!?! Form a queue behind this line.


Does this look like a jungle gym? They put these everywhere, even on walls! Any Spiderman impressions will not be tolerated.


If you are a diabetic and need a sugar fix, too bad. Just inhale a fistful of dust bunnies? Choke it down, or you will be fined $7,500 Taiwanese, or $0.83 US.


These suckers move fast, please hold handrail, seat belt is just under that.


You wouldn't want to known as a loose stander, would you?

After a couple weeks, I finally know how to properly use the escalator, check out my excellent form.

Louis C.K. and Asian Andrew Getting Coffee

Big fan of Louis C.K. and this video has so many parallels to my current life. Strange language, stranger people (in a good way) and not a clue as to what I just got in my paper cup.

Not Just 7-Eleven

You may have seen, or been to a 7-Eleven. Grab a Slurpee, pack of gum and gone right on your way, no big deal. American franchises have so much to learn...

Things you can do and get at a Taiwanese 7-Eleven: copy, scan, print, fax documents, eat dinner, meet babes, get drunk, reload your cellphone, learn to speak Chinese, look like an idiot, sushi flavored potato chips, give/receive high fives, breakdance, etc.

Not to mention, these are on every, and I mean every, block. Running late to the presentation and need to print some additional copies? Done. Looking for love? Chicks love it. Or just want some company? Open all day, everyday. Genius!

Sultry

For those of you who don't know, my name is Andrew Skarvinko and I have recently become Asian - Taiwanese in fact. I have flown across the USA, over the Pacific Ocean and directly in the thick of it all, Taipei.

If you look on a map, Taiwan is roughly on the same longitude as the Bahamas. So when an LED screen at the airport describing the weather said "sultry", I thought it would be warm, breezy and pleasant. However, the humidity sticks to my Western skin like bubble gum mixed with honey in a jar of peanut butter. Even my sweat, sweats. The Taiwanese have completely unaware of this, sporting pants and long sleeves at times, and have a Zen-like control over their pores.

Until I find the path to Enlightenment, I will be sweating like a BP executive in front of a Congressional sub committee.