Snacker Self-Help

Have you ever had awkward moments with your loved ones and snack food? Is it hard to speak with your maturing teenager about sensitive topics involving tasty morsels? Do you wish there was something out there that could alleviate your munchy anxiety? Your pathetic excuse for communication skills can't help you, the taste of fear still fresh in the back of your throat from the last failed occasion you brought turnips to poker night with the guys. You are terrible. And ugly. But there is hope...

Fear not bottom-feeders of the snack food world, I can help you! Hi, I'm Dr Arthur Doodleweissenhauserville and I've written a new self-help guide to get you on the right track towards snacking utopia, Green Peas & You. I'm just like you, minus the ugly part, and I'm here to share with you my tried and tested approach to snacking the smarter way. My system is engaging, useful, dynamic and clearly lays out the steps you need in order to change your life in a drastic way. Life is hard enough as it is: the deficit is piling up, pickle jars are nearly impossible to open, the post office keeps raising the price of stamps, Taco Bell isn't putting any beef into their beef products. Allow me to remove one more roadblock of life that isn't getting any smaller, the ability to manager your snack portfolio. See what a few of my clients are saying so far...

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Hiroshi Callahan - Arcadia, California: "Being a father in this day and age could be difficult, especially with a teenage daughter. There is so much competition out there, I hardly get a word in before Doritos, Oreos, Justin Bieber and Fritos crank up the volume. Last year, my little Beehiveface was starting to hang out with the wrong crowd, the type that thinks mixing Chex Mix and pickled eggs on a blueberry pancake is acceptable. I knew things were getting bad when she dropped her purse and out spilled a candied-apple dipped in soy sauce, oh the humanity! That night, my wife Dinky and I decided we needed to take action. Thankfully, Green Peas & You was our savior. After reviewing the techniques of Dr. Doodleweissenhauserville and applying them on a daily basis, our little devil is back on track. By using this tome of confusing, ass-backwards hypnotherapy starter kit, things have really turned around. Now when kids ask my little dumpling after school to take a hit of a smoked beef stick smothered in Cool Whip, she knows just how to react - by peeing her pants and running away crying!"

Why waste another day telling yourself everything is going to work itself out? It isn't, life is short, brutal and unfair. However, I can help you! If you want all of your wildest dreams to come true, buy this book. If you want to be better looking, more popular and make more money, buy this book. I guarantee if you buy this book, I will send it to your HOME ADDRESS! But wait, there is more - if you order now, you'll get one for the price of one while supplies last for a limited time. And I'm not done yet, if you live in my neighborhood, shipping is free! I'll just drop it right into your mailbox, no questions asked! Buy this, now. You need it! And if you don't buy my book Green Peas & You right away, you will either be struck by lightning or run over by a herd of elephants. Here's how to order!

Giraffe Field Trip - Day 2

Too many sheep in one day can really stress anybody out. Bleats of our bushy friends reverberated through the valley making any possible effort at relaxing difficult. Getting lost in the scenery was quickly diminished after stepping in their leftovers a few times, and I'm not talking about food. But the kids are having a good time, all still alive, and a visit to the hot spring is right around the corner.

Destination #2: Hot Spring Hotel

Nottaclue, Taiwan

This should have gone in the previous post but I was feeling uninspired at the time. After all the sheep had outrun the children, it was time to move on. Back on the tour bus once again, I was informed that our next stop was the hotel for some dinner and R&R. But this wasn't just any hotel; under foundation of this place (and many others in the town) were natural hot springs. Taiwan is located in the collision zone of two tectonic plates. For centuries, indigenous people knew about them but paid no attention, it is after all really hot and sometimes that hurts. But under Japanese control in the late 1800s, their own culture rich with hot soaking, the spas and hotels began to develop. Which brings me to the hotel. While the kids splashed in a pool off to the side, I was being blasted by a stream of hot water powerful enough to strip paint from a wall. While the kids were drying off, I was in a sauna sweating out months of poor behavior. And while the kids were being brought back to the rooms, I was enjoying some hydrotherapy on my back with water so hot it changed the color of my hair. Quick sidenote: when getting into the sauna I missed a small step, slipped a little and fell forwards. Luckily my hand caught my balance on the sweaty inner-thigh of a man in a speedo tipping the scales at 300lbs, also the only person in chamber. International incident avoided, sustained awkwardness achieved.

Destination #3: Formosan Aboriginal Culture Village

Yuchi, Nantou County

Of course the time spent away from my pupils evaporated as quickly as my muscle aches. I'm technically on duty, shortly after the kids are back in the room I return to survey the damage. Like I imagined, my roommates have learned nothing about the how to dry their suits and towels. No Michael, this shirt will not get dry balled up in the sink. Titan, please hang your towel on the shower curtain rod and not the lid of the toilet. After vigorously beating them with pillows, some mindless TV to numb trauma and a little gameboy, lights out. My roommates Michael, Titan and Andrew were as worn out as I was. Worn out enough that a few minutes later, one of my roomies began snoring something awful. It was what I imagine to be the sound from the combination of a blackhole closing up and massive hog that just received some terrible news. Really kid?

Bright and early, time for the morning feed. Here is almost a complete picture of the little monkeys. From left to right is Andrew, Titan, myself and Michael. By far, the funniest breakfast meal I've had, there may have been a stoned chef in the back. Not to be confused with bad taste, it was the offering that made me smile, here is the list: chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs, salad bar, rice, toast, cereal, pork lo mein, hot and sour soup, pizza and a few more things. Don't tell kids in America that over here they eat chicken nuggets for breakfast, one of the only times you'll hear a 10-year old American kid say "I WANT TO GO TO TAAAAAAAAAAIWAAAAAN!!!"

Back on the bus, an hour away to Sun Moon Lake. The lake is super famous in the country; home to the Thao tribe, this spectacular body of water represents holy ground for them and talked about extensively in their folktales. It is also the largest body of water in Taiwan and hosts a 3-km race during the Mid-Autumn festivals.

The culture village was on the other side of a hill as big as a mountain but the crafty Taiwanese had installed a gondola about twenty years earlier, good work! The monkeys and I got into our skyward cube, enjoying the spectacular views. Well, they enjoyed spitting out of it into the forest below but I took a lot of pictures.

Arriving on the other side at 11:00AM, we are handed maps and are taken inside the park. Once there, our guide says meet here at 3:30PM, adios. The park has the largest European garden in the country AND the largest outdoor museum in the country including nine different villages highlighting Taiwan's earliest tribes. Or you could do what I did: eat corndogs, ride a merry-go-round 59 times, eat corndogs, play videogames, ride a tram, get sick from corndogs. There were much bigger rides that peaked my interest but motion sickness really bummed out my partners in crime. And I didn't feel like cleaning up their motion sickness. But we had a great time; I bought them ice cream, we ran around a lot and made it back to the meeting point on time. My bosses were surprised but pleased.

Back on the odorous coach, ready to get back to the city. During the daylight, the views were simply phenomenal; I had no idea the country had this kind of natural splendor. It actually reminded me of New Zealand. Winding roads hugging the mountain on one side and a steep drop on the other, rivers carving through the valleys and eating away the luminescent limestone masses, leafy flora growth stretching endlessly. A great break from the city, a bluer sky and certainly cleaner air. I'm very lucky my bosses took me and luckier that the kids are all well behaved. Without a doubt, I'll certainly be coming baaaaaaaah-ck....

Yikes.

Giraffe Field Trip - Day 1

"Teacher Andrew, do you want to come on the Giraffe overnight field trip with the kids? We have no classes next week."

(Thoughts of kids running around widly in a strange place, smelly bus ride, responsibility of any kind)

"I'm don't know, sounds a little..."

"You don't have to pay for meals and we'll be going to a hot spring."

"Er...what time do we leave?"

I'm a pushover, really. But I'm also really loyal; if my boss asked me to fight a panda with bamboo sticking out of my underwear, I'd do it. Nervously, I accepted the invitation. Besides, what can go wrong from Monday morning until Tuesday night five hours away from Taipei in an unfamiliar place not being able to read or speak the local language with thirty excitable children who have been given freedom on a level never before experienced trying to be corralled by a foreigner who is more like Bobo the circus clown? Don't answer that...

Wake up early, get on a bus, hold on to your butts. Taiwanese love taking tours, a real lot. In fact, all you do is call a tour operator, tell them where you want to go with how many people, and you are finished. Sure I'm a bit tired from last night, but three hours on a coach bus tucked away in the last row should grant me some level of rest. Wrong. The tour operator began the morning announcements in Chinese, a little "welcome, hey, don't touch that" kind of introduction I imagine. And then the plan for the day. And then his life history. And then his stand-up comedy routine. And then a reading from his memoirs. And more stand-up comedy. This went on for 86 minutes, no exaggeration because I timed it.

Destination #1:Cingjing Recreational Farm

Renai Township, Nantou County

The bus lumbers up winding cliff side roads. Passing native forests, through towering gorges, you can immerse yourself in the fresh air and wild scenery. Situated 1,800 meters above sea level (around 5,900 feet), the hillside restored my energy and cleansed my lungs of scooter air I've been huffing in Taipei for months. But if natural beauty isn't what you're looking for, you can always pester the sheep. A herd of about 70 docile sheep roam the hills of the farm, only quickening pace to avoid the over anxious kids who try ride on top of them. True to the name, this place is a farm with a few small groves of fruit trees, shaggy sheep and a small petting zoo filled with nervous rabbits.

But first, a performance! "YIPEEEE KAAY YA!" Enter pumped up white guy on a horse swinging a whip. No not Indiana Jones. And sadly, he spoke only Chinese throughout the show, showoff. Cowboy Wayne (or something) started off the show by wrasslin' up a small herd of the bored sheep, creating a stampede of minor proportions. "Hi ho silver, awayyyy!" Wayne parades them around the audience of the outdoor stage with his wireless mic, eventually leading them into a pen off to the side. A few more whip cracks, a lot more Chinese and one shaved sheep later, I'm quite amused.

After the performance, the group gathers, all sheep remain unharmed. Our tour guide leads us to the other end of the park where there is a small "Swiss" garden. In the flowerbeds were animals, structures, fences, windmills, pinwheels and more made completely out of corrugated paper. I was finally able to ride a sheep, however my White Lightning remained stationary no matter how loud I shouted "GIDDY UP!"

More to come...

Overflowing

Sometimes too much is, well...simply too much. Your stomach can be like a host throwing a party. At first, everything is going as planned; you know who is coming by, if they are bringing friends, when everybody will arrive, everything copacetic. But then, guests start calling people outside your tummy party - "Dude, you've got to come by! EVERYBODY is here!" Time passes, more people show up, a fight breaks out. The landlord demands the music to be turned off, all of you get the hell out of here. Nope, not that door, the way you came in. NOW!!!

Yuck! I thought the analogy would soften the reasoning behind what I found at an all you can eat/drink restaurant in Taipei on my quest for interesting signage. Some locals invited me to dinner at a bustling, modern BBQ spot on the east side of the city. Soft blue LED accent punctuated the ultra white driftwood splayed along the walls and ceiling. A DJ in a faraway booth was spinning very mellow, downtempo melodica really underpinning the atmosphere of hip. I'm pretty sure I was way better looking in this restaurant, definitely funnier. Every edible animal is available for your enjoyment, vegetables I'm still looking up on Wikipedia and personal table attendants to help you cook your food on your tabletop grill. He'll even give you recommendations. For example, once I found out that it was all you could eat bacon, and after I wiped away tears of joy, a friendly staff member showed me how to wrap bacon in other things. Like scallions, or more bacon.

Casually excusing myself for a quick visit to the WC, I enter the men's and pass a little enclave in a separate area.

Vomiting Area.

Chic, contemporary front of the house where smiles and enjoyment is shared. Shameful, embarrassing back of the house where discomfort and breath mints are shared. I mentioned that this is an all you can eat place; you have two hours to pack, or in the case, over-pack you stomach with every kind of food you can imagine cooked to your exact specifications. How can theses scallops get better? Wrap 'em in bacon. What could make this lettuce wrap more tantalizing? Add bacon. What is this salad missing? Vegetables, but who cares, we got more bacon! At this restaurant, the words "I'm full" don't get you off the hook at all.

Strangely, this place wasn't a ruckus, with people getting drunk off grease and cholesterol only. If I was at the Uncle Pete's Roadhouse Texas Tequila Taco Shack located behind the interstate rest stop, I would be begging for such aforementioned area (seriously Uncle Pete, gross). But not the case. Clean, professional, well-known were the only words used to describe this place. I guess some Taiwanese have difficulty with moderation. Maybe there was a bacon fan like myself that was overcome with adrenaline, forgetting the limitations of a digestive system, putting 78 strips of bacon in a stomach meant to hold 14. Like trying to fit an anaconda in a fish bowl, it just isn't going to happen.

Two hours of eating is a marathon. In my excitement, I started off the race sprinting. But, over the years I have found it wise to listen to my body when it says, "if you eat this, I'm going to punish you dearly." Of course, I did not visit the vomiting area, instead I visited my couch area for the next 4 - 6 hours while I dozed in and out of consciousness. Besides, I'm on good terms with my belly landlord and I wouldn't want to upset our relationship. Pass the Lipitor, please.