The Exploder

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Allow me to introduce the Exploder, a miracle of Japanese craftsmanship and engineering. During my trip to Spring Scream in Kenting, the Exploder was my ride and this scooter has seen kilometers. The positive, it was loaned to me for zero dollars. The negative, as explained by the lender, "..just don't go too fast or else..." Right. I didn't even hear that part, all I focused on was the zero dollars. Instead of a scooter, I received a bicycle with an engine as strong as a food processor, safety features similar to a see-saw, and a ride as comfortable as a cactus-tobaggon. Perfect! Scooter-jackers would be made fun of by their posse if they stole this. On idle, it sounds like a chainsaw fart combined with a dryer full of quarters running on tumble cycle. Don't care, at all. Take a blender, throw in 100 pennies, a jar of pickles, hit 'liquify' and you've got the noise at what I think to be around 50kph. Am I embarrassed? Please. You wish your ride could last this long. Let's take a look at the features...

The Exploder has supported so many butts, it is actually starting to shed. The foam underneath is cracked, hardened, and worn. Not sure if I'm sitting on a cushion or a bag of crushed asphalt. Rear-ends of all shapes and sizes have smooshed this once luxurious foam support in different areas resulting in a texture of a rubber blanket on a coral reef. The vibrations sure didn't help the ride; if I had any kidney stones tucked away in the deepest regions of my guts, surely they were rattled out. The glossy accent paint on the steel mounts has long since departed, leaving a poo-poo brown rust thick with grit and tetanus. Rear passengers should avoid this support at all cost, instead wrap your soft, smooth and comforting arms around my boyish physique and hold on tight.

You want LCD display? Nice try, this baby was conceived before TVs turned color. How about LED? Maybe once upon a time. But the speedometer doesn't work, neither does the tachometer, or the any-other-kind-ometer. Please also note the lack of side mirrors, they were causing too much drag. Just take your eyes off the road, turn your head around, turn back, hope nothing is about to be under your front tire, and keep cruising. The pewter matte finish of the handlebar casing has a texture similar to sand paper or a goat's horn. Like a roll of pink fiberglass, too much poking, pressing, or prodding could result in microscopic slivers. Then you have an itch in your armpit, which you touch and now you have them there. Then you sneeze, cover your mouth and get them in your gums. Now, you alternate your scratching hand between your mouth and your armpit giving yourself a full-on B.O. mouth rinse.

The lights work, but they are desperately trying to escape from the frame. One cover remains, the left blinker and he's hanging on for dear life. How thoughtful of the Exploder's owner to use clear tape, not duct tape, to remedy this malfunction. As you can see, it is a Yamaha and they make damn fine products. Carbon gray fenders accent the navy blue body punctuated by stripped, rusted nuts and bolts holding it together. Custom stickers adorn the front of my chariot letting other riders know that even though I don't value my life enough to make this vehicle safe, I still want to look good.

Normally the underside of any kind of vehicle is covered to prevent exposure to dirt, water, roadkill, etc. Not the Exploder! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The Exploder also disposes of superfluous pieces of undercarriage automatically. While you ride to the local Grease Bucket Fatty Man's Chicken Shack to pack on the calories, the Exploder is dropping pounds like nothing. What you see are the bare essentials it takes to run an internal combustion engine. If it isn't important, get rid of it - like the automatic starter. Typically scooters have a button you push and presto, machine on. That feature has been removed, for your convenience. Today's model features a kick start lever; just stand off to the side, jump off a curb, friend, concrete barrier, or bush with a massive amount of downward force, and bingo! If you hear chainsaw farts, you know you did it right.

Any false move by my right leg could result in a IQ-changing shock from the exposed wires. Is it a bad sign that I can clearly see the other side of the road through most of the parts? If you had a car and could see through it while you standing beside it, you'd be like 'oh @#!$$^#, maybe I should get on that.' And if you were driving a horse, you'd be like 'oh damn, where'd you get that pony at?' The muffler with sharpened edges at the bottom of picture was used to determine the standards of acceptable emissions. Anything worse than the Exploder should be seized, dismantled, and melted down into useful widgets.

Of course, it is easy to take cheap shots at something that looks shoddy, beat up, or worn down. You may think that because it looks like a piece of slow moving rubbish, it is a piece of slow moving rubbish. And that is true, it is exactly that. But, looking past the disfigurement and covering your ears from the deafening noise pollution, the Exploder and many others like that get you to where you want to go. Looks aren't the most important thing, only if you want to pay more. In three days of riding, it started the first time every time, used $2 worth of gasoline for a couple hours of driving, and never crapped out. Suckers were lining up to pay an unreasonably high price for shiny, brand-new wheels for the holiday weekend; the shops there triple the rate during the Spring Spring festivities. I paid nothing and still got to the same places as everybody else. In this battle between the Young Studs and Old Faithful, it was a tie - score one for the good guys. Don't touch the Exploder, it is absolutely perfect the way it is; if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I'm 100% sure the next person who uses it will die.

Derp.

In Soviet Russia, scooter drives you.