Mid-Life School Crisis

Any celebrations that end with 0s or 5s always get noticed, they're plain better for whatever reason. Personally, I think the aesthetic features of the numerals give an appearance of success of achievement. Take Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. This model American has become oddly famous for eating his 25,000th Big Mac from McDonald's, appearing on late night TV shows and popping into your news aggregator from CNN or the AP - an amazing testament to the power of the human body to withstand such an assault! I'm the press will be uninterested until the 30,000 mark, the power of zeroes. Heading back to Taiwan, it was with great rejoice that the local Tianmu Elementary School in the neighborhood where I work recognized their 30th year of service. Responsible for the educational advancement of thousands of Taiwanese youth, the school is a landmark in this northern community. A tremendous party was in order, full of fun, excitement, reflection, food, merriment, and games for the families to come and enjoy. Since Giraffe is directly across the street, it was absolutely essential to make our presence known, reminding parents that our school is cracker-jack. It was also absolutely essential that I get to the school at 7:30AM on a Saturday. 'Just out of curiosity, what would happen if I showed up at...' Blah, too bad I don't live here, then I could have skipped and promised to make it to the 35th. Or 40th.

Not much can be said about the Soviet-style design, you could easily swap the sign for a textile mill and nobody would think otherwise, besides the clown-colored inflatable gate. The immediate facing facade is dreary; no hanging window flower boxes, no pastel drawings on widows of children holding hands from around the world, not a hint of kids are work or play. Thankfully the administrators decided to spruce up the deco immediately through the gate to remind parents that this building is not a prison, even though it wouldn't be hard to make it one. Under red tents inside the school's drop-off circle, community organizations and businesses tout their messages, hand out literature, and entice groups of children to play their ring toss or darts game for a small fee. Between and past the main structure on the left and on the right (the library) is the school's track and blacktop.

Well would you look at that? A couple hundred mostly cute kids singing and dancing the school's song. The first grade children donned their class shirts and headbands, pink and blue for their designated genders. Scattered around the track, the tinny speakers broadcasted an allegro moderato march highlighted by a motivated brass section. While the parents clapped along and toe-tapped to the continuous bum-bum-bum of the tubas, the kids flailed pompoms and sang along with the lively music. Some of the performers were enjoying it far less than others, the former moving like Japanese robots through the dance steps which had been programmed into their systems. Still early in the morning, a few had the morning daze looking absentmindedly into the camera of an enthusiastic parent. Obviously, the idea of replacing Saturday morning's Sponge Bob viewing with this mandatory jollification did not sit well some. Sacrifices must be made! Fortunately for them, their efforts to glorify Tianmu Elementary school was the first event during a lengthy program and the exhibition lasted a few songs. Relieved, the children marched in straight lines off the track, free to roam the campus without needing to hear that lame song for a very long time.

Excellent candid photo #1! 'This cotton candy makes my throat itch, waaaaaaah!'

In one of the main courtyards, tents were set up to house games, snacks, and sweet treats. To give you an idea of the school's size, this courtyard was one of four with just as much square footage. One of them had not been paved over, wide ferns and small palms remain. Families filtered in and out to take a break from the the ongoing spectacles near the track. Refueling on ice tea and corn dogs, the attendees were also eager to test their skill on a variety of carnival games. Interested in my neighbors offering, it appeared some of them were outrageously rigged. Like two tents down, trying to bounce a ping pong ball into the opening of a glass vase with a $1000 bill inside ($30 USD) or into a hole the size of an M&M. The vendor wisely provided contestants with maybe twenty shots giving a little bit of confidence and probably saying '...no, no, no - you are stealing MY money! Look how many times you can go!' Clever, shrewd but clever.

Against my strong advice, Giraffe's game had to be completely 'legit' and without any trickery, too bad. Our tent had two games; the game on the right side was your classic throw-something-knock-it-down variety. Twenty dollars gets you three tosses and thirty gets you five. With each number knocked down, you get a certain prize and an adrenaline rush similar to rock climbing or para-sailing.

On the left side was our shooting gallery; our AK-47 was a wood pistol with a waistband elastic to create tension. Place the elastic band on the barrel and the hammer, release the tension handle and voila! Thirty dollars gets you ten shots and fifty gets you twenty. Like the toss game, the more Taliban you blast the sweeter the prize. And just so you know, children, shooting Teacher Andrew does not award you a higher score or a better prize. My classes might be Taliban-esque with all the homework I assign but I assure you, it would take a lot of rubber bands to eliminate this dictator.

And so it went - rubber bands whizzing by, clanking of wooden pegs hitting the metal targets, laughter, endless exchanges of paper-scissor-stone, excitement, meats on a stick, and personally a lot of sweatiness. At the end of the day, we had collected thousands of dollars or about...

* 983 pegs thrown at targets

* 2,360 rubber bands shot

Making money wasn't the idea, covering our costs and advertising was our goal and was achieved. During this whole time, Giraffe's owners and one-part timer were out on the street handing out flyers and talking up our fantastic branch. Thousands of promotional flyers were handed out describing our approach and why parents should give us their dollars instead of our rivals. The afternoon culminated in a school-wide relay race, each grade competing against one another. Some of the teams looked like Olympic superstars, timing their start off the blocks to match up with the baton passer and handing it off effortlessly. Other teams, did not. I will say it was quite exciting, a coworker and I began casual bets based on the looks and demeanor of the teams lining up for a race. I could tell when the blue or the teal shirts would absolutely crush the yellow team - 'seriously, one of the kids is wearing loafers, there is no way he is going to keep up.' When it got down to the wire, the parents jumped up screaming 'jiao yio, jiao yio!!' ('Keep going! Keep going! And if you bring disgrace to this family you aren't going to have dinner for the rest of the weekend...'). Trophies awarded to the victors, hugs and encouragement to the runners-up, and a few promises of candy and snacks for me from the spoils of my gambling.

Here are a few more spectacular photos....

'Ughhhhhhhh, why did I eat that?'

Super Taiwanese Mullet, he's got your back.

'I want to play games too. I like corn dogs. Please let me out...

Please.'

'Take that you extremist S.O.B.!'

'She will not talk to you, or any other members of the press until this matter is resolved in a court of law.'