Halloween Evidence

Do I like dancing? Sure. Am I good at it? Heck yes, here is the proof.

Teacher Andrew and super-Teacher Celeste wanted to do a little something 'special' for our lovely students at Giraffe School in Tianmu. Private lessons are available however there is a three month wait, email to get on the list and men need not apply.

Halloween Part II - Teacher Andrew Gone Wild

Like most Halloween nights, the difference between what you think will happen and what actually transpires can be unbelievable. For example, the woman who owned the Korean restaurant we dined at thought I was Justin Bieber and insisted on feeding me. A few times actually - this particular time she put together a lettuce wrap with steak that would make P.F. Chang want to hang up his chopsticks forever. Crazy, unreal good. If Koreans eat like we did on a regular basis, their culture has learned to completely ignore calories, forever remaining skinny. No less than two soups, multiple plates of meats cooked on tabletop griddles, dozens on tiny bowls with colorful contents, a bucket of rice, several fish, noodles, more meats - after the first five courses I blacked out and woke up resting comfortably in my dessert. Far and away, one of the best meals here thus far.

Luckily for me, I had a sweet and thoughtful coworker named April who adopted me into her group of friends. Little Red Riding Hood periodically checked in to make sure all was well, namely that I didn't jam my chopsticks into my nose or burp loud enough for the other end of the table to hear - too late on both accounts.

After avoiding any major crises at dinner, let the night begin. We all put on some kind of getup and hit Tianmu, the side of town where April and I work and others reside. There was a big gathering in the town plaza, plenty merchants and vendors selling Halloween-themed treats, drinks and wares. Around the corner there was a haunted 'house' we walked through; lots of people, a few screams from my new friends but at the expense of sounding like a super manly man, I wasn't very frightened in the least. I've experienced scarier situations on laundry day. I have a feeling it's because the haunted houses and trails in Connecticut, where people chase you with revved up chainsaws, is a little more worrisome than a short man behind a curtain with Hello Kitty backpack. Still scary, different reason.

After party, excellent. Grab some adult beverages, a karaoke room, cool people, strange circumstances, mix thoroughly and you've got a good time. The new location was the basement in an apartment building where somebody lived. A comfortable room, complete with professional karaoke systems built in, was the staging area for a night of hysterics.

The Taiwanese have a liquor called kaoliang (pronounced 'gow-lee-ung') which is similar to rocket fuel in strength and tequila in taste. A clear solvent, capable of softening concrete, was the catalyst for my nonstop spectacular renditions of Franky Valli's "Can't Take My Eyes Off", Michael Jackson's "Black and White" and outrageous dance moves unfamiliar in the Taiwanese culture.

A few hours later - Drunk Red Riding Hood is comforting a wobbly Snow White, Michael Jackson can't moonwalk a straight line, the Taiwanese ghost disappears and the karaoke machine is silent. Empty bottles and cans, Halloween accessories everywhere, communications in Chinese and English breaking down. Tomorrow morning is going to be...damn, right now.

Great success! An excellent time! Somehow, a few guests were over-served but the authorities are out right now looking for suspects. This Smooth Criminal is Bad, considered Dangerous and should Beat It before there's Blood On The Dance Floor.

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough.

Halloween Part I - Student Funtivities

Even if you don't live in the United States, I firmly believe that once a year kids are entitled to free candy from strangers without doing any kind of background check. The greatness of Halloween spans the globe and my beloved Giraffe School wisely decided to be a part of this glorious day.

For the month of October, my fellow teachers and I loaded our kids with vocabulary relating to the special day - words like 'Frankenstein, graveyard, ghost' etc. were a part of our everyday English. I had quite a bit of fun with them and we'd play charades to guess the word. For example, a student would walk stiff for 'mummy' or flap their arms for 'bat'. I ran into a bit of trouble when they started nibbling each other for 'vampire' and serious trouble when they started to eat each others' brains for 'zombie'. Very true to life, well done.

On the actual day, classes were cut short to prepare for our night activity, taking the hell-raisers around the town to trick or treat. Dressed like Michael Jackson circa 1982 'Thriller' video, my army of goblins staggered from business to business and singing the classic 'trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something blah blah..'. Being the neighborhood English school, the places we went to were preselected and were patiently awaiting our arrival. After the first couple of groups went through, they were patiently awaiting our immediate departure. I guess a few dozen kids screaming they were going to pull down your underwear unless you gave them candy is bad for business.

Most of the younger kids dressed up - many superheroes, princesses, vampires - but unfortunately some of the older students were approaching the 'too cool' stage of their late childhood. For them smearing some magic marker on their face (my recommendation, of course) qualified them as a bonafide werewolf or grab some toilet and drape it over your head, instant ghost.

I also realized why Halloween in New England is incredible. My young friends and I would walk house to house in a neighborhood with walkways to front doors. You could see who had lights on, enjoyed plenty of space to sprint around the neighborhood feverishly and hide easily from your parents who try to convince you that four pillowcases full of candy is enough. Here, most everybody lives in apartment buildings, the city doesn't stop and the candy here is...unquestionably... TERRIBLE! It's mostly hard candy with strange flavors. I swear I had an asparagus flavor, a pork rind flavor and something I imagine what Windex tastes like. Fools! Do you want kids to hate you? Let me tell you, I think you're doing a good job.

After returning to the elementary school across the street from Giraffe without losing a single kid, there was a treasure hunt outside around the track and playgrounds. We should have been more specific because after we said go, kids were trying to climb trees, shimmy up down spouts, dig holes and break into the buildings. You'd of thought we told them we hid gold bullion or diamonds the way they swarmed the schoolyard like an angry swarm of bees. After coaxing them back inside, the treasures were counted up and school points were given to the team of crafty hunters.

Everybody had a great time - nobody cried and I got a stomachache courtesy of a ear wax-flavored lollipop. Unfortunately, I didn't carve a pumpkin, smash any mailboxes, ring any doorbells and run away, toilet paper any houses or set bags of poo on fire in front of people's houses. All that happened later...