Mid-Life School Crisis

Any celebrations that end with 0s or 5s always get noticed, they're plain better for whatever reason. Personally, I think the aesthetic features of the numerals give an appearance of success of achievement. Take Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. This model American has become oddly famous for eating his 25,000th Big Mac from McDonald's, appearing on late night TV shows and popping into your news aggregator from CNN or the AP - an amazing testament to the power of the human body to withstand such an assault! I'm the press will be uninterested until the 30,000 mark, the power of zeroes. Heading back to Taiwan, it was with great rejoice that the local Tianmu Elementary School in the neighborhood where I work recognized their 30th year of service. Responsible for the educational advancement of thousands of Taiwanese youth, the school is a landmark in this northern community. A tremendous party was in order, full of fun, excitement, reflection, food, merriment, and games for the families to come and enjoy. Since Giraffe is directly across the street, it was absolutely essential to make our presence known, reminding parents that our school is cracker-jack. It was also absolutely essential that I get to the school at 7:30AM on a Saturday. 'Just out of curiosity, what would happen if I showed up at...' Blah, too bad I don't live here, then I could have skipped and promised to make it to the 35th. Or 40th.

Not much can be said about the Soviet-style design, you could easily swap the sign for a textile mill and nobody would think otherwise, besides the clown-colored inflatable gate. The immediate facing facade is dreary; no hanging window flower boxes, no pastel drawings on widows of children holding hands from around the world, not a hint of kids are work or play. Thankfully the administrators decided to spruce up the deco immediately through the gate to remind parents that this building is not a prison, even though it wouldn't be hard to make it one. Under red tents inside the school's drop-off circle, community organizations and businesses tout their messages, hand out literature, and entice groups of children to play their ring toss or darts game for a small fee. Between and past the main structure on the left and on the right (the library) is the school's track and blacktop.

Well would you look at that? A couple hundred mostly cute kids singing and dancing the school's song. The first grade children donned their class shirts and headbands, pink and blue for their designated genders. Scattered around the track, the tinny speakers broadcasted an allegro moderato march highlighted by a motivated brass section. While the parents clapped along and toe-tapped to the continuous bum-bum-bum of the tubas, the kids flailed pompoms and sang along with the lively music. Some of the performers were enjoying it far less than others, the former moving like Japanese robots through the dance steps which had been programmed into their systems. Still early in the morning, a few had the morning daze looking absentmindedly into the camera of an enthusiastic parent. Obviously, the idea of replacing Saturday morning's Sponge Bob viewing with this mandatory jollification did not sit well some. Sacrifices must be made! Fortunately for them, their efforts to glorify Tianmu Elementary school was the first event during a lengthy program and the exhibition lasted a few songs. Relieved, the children marched in straight lines off the track, free to roam the campus without needing to hear that lame song for a very long time.

Excellent candid photo #1! 'This cotton candy makes my throat itch, waaaaaaah!'

In one of the main courtyards, tents were set up to house games, snacks, and sweet treats. To give you an idea of the school's size, this courtyard was one of four with just as much square footage. One of them had not been paved over, wide ferns and small palms remain. Families filtered in and out to take a break from the the ongoing spectacles near the track. Refueling on ice tea and corn dogs, the attendees were also eager to test their skill on a variety of carnival games. Interested in my neighbors offering, it appeared some of them were outrageously rigged. Like two tents down, trying to bounce a ping pong ball into the opening of a glass vase with a $1000 bill inside ($30 USD) or into a hole the size of an M&M. The vendor wisely provided contestants with maybe twenty shots giving a little bit of confidence and probably saying '...no, no, no - you are stealing MY money! Look how many times you can go!' Clever, shrewd but clever.

Against my strong advice, Giraffe's game had to be completely 'legit' and without any trickery, too bad. Our tent had two games; the game on the right side was your classic throw-something-knock-it-down variety. Twenty dollars gets you three tosses and thirty gets you five. With each number knocked down, you get a certain prize and an adrenaline rush similar to rock climbing or para-sailing.

On the left side was our shooting gallery; our AK-47 was a wood pistol with a waistband elastic to create tension. Place the elastic band on the barrel and the hammer, release the tension handle and voila! Thirty dollars gets you ten shots and fifty gets you twenty. Like the toss game, the more Taliban you blast the sweeter the prize. And just so you know, children, shooting Teacher Andrew does not award you a higher score or a better prize. My classes might be Taliban-esque with all the homework I assign but I assure you, it would take a lot of rubber bands to eliminate this dictator.

And so it went - rubber bands whizzing by, clanking of wooden pegs hitting the metal targets, laughter, endless exchanges of paper-scissor-stone, excitement, meats on a stick, and personally a lot of sweatiness. At the end of the day, we had collected thousands of dollars or about...

* 983 pegs thrown at targets

* 2,360 rubber bands shot

Making money wasn't the idea, covering our costs and advertising was our goal and was achieved. During this whole time, Giraffe's owners and one-part timer were out on the street handing out flyers and talking up our fantastic branch. Thousands of promotional flyers were handed out describing our approach and why parents should give us their dollars instead of our rivals. The afternoon culminated in a school-wide relay race, each grade competing against one another. Some of the teams looked like Olympic superstars, timing their start off the blocks to match up with the baton passer and handing it off effortlessly. Other teams, did not. I will say it was quite exciting, a coworker and I began casual bets based on the looks and demeanor of the teams lining up for a race. I could tell when the blue or the teal shirts would absolutely crush the yellow team - 'seriously, one of the kids is wearing loafers, there is no way he is going to keep up.' When it got down to the wire, the parents jumped up screaming 'jiao yio, jiao yio!!' ('Keep going! Keep going! And if you bring disgrace to this family you aren't going to have dinner for the rest of the weekend...'). Trophies awarded to the victors, hugs and encouragement to the runners-up, and a few promises of candy and snacks for me from the spoils of my gambling.

Here are a few more spectacular photos....

'Ughhhhhhhh, why did I eat that?'

Super Taiwanese Mullet, he's got your back.

'I want to play games too. I like corn dogs. Please let me out...

Please.'

'Take that you extremist S.O.B.!'

'She will not talk to you, or any other members of the press until this matter is resolved in a court of law.'

Giraffe Field Trip - Day 2

Too many sheep in one day can really stress anybody out. Bleats of our bushy friends reverberated through the valley making any possible effort at relaxing difficult. Getting lost in the scenery was quickly diminished after stepping in their leftovers a few times, and I'm not talking about food. But the kids are having a good time, all still alive, and a visit to the hot spring is right around the corner.

Destination #2: Hot Spring Hotel

Nottaclue, Taiwan

This should have gone in the previous post but I was feeling uninspired at the time. After all the sheep had outrun the children, it was time to move on. Back on the tour bus once again, I was informed that our next stop was the hotel for some dinner and R&R. But this wasn't just any hotel; under foundation of this place (and many others in the town) were natural hot springs. Taiwan is located in the collision zone of two tectonic plates. For centuries, indigenous people knew about them but paid no attention, it is after all really hot and sometimes that hurts. But under Japanese control in the late 1800s, their own culture rich with hot soaking, the spas and hotels began to develop. Which brings me to the hotel. While the kids splashed in a pool off to the side, I was being blasted by a stream of hot water powerful enough to strip paint from a wall. While the kids were drying off, I was in a sauna sweating out months of poor behavior. And while the kids were being brought back to the rooms, I was enjoying some hydrotherapy on my back with water so hot it changed the color of my hair. Quick sidenote: when getting into the sauna I missed a small step, slipped a little and fell forwards. Luckily my hand caught my balance on the sweaty inner-thigh of a man in a speedo tipping the scales at 300lbs, also the only person in chamber. International incident avoided, sustained awkwardness achieved.

Destination #3: Formosan Aboriginal Culture Village

Yuchi, Nantou County

Of course the time spent away from my pupils evaporated as quickly as my muscle aches. I'm technically on duty, shortly after the kids are back in the room I return to survey the damage. Like I imagined, my roommates have learned nothing about the how to dry their suits and towels. No Michael, this shirt will not get dry balled up in the sink. Titan, please hang your towel on the shower curtain rod and not the lid of the toilet. After vigorously beating them with pillows, some mindless TV to numb trauma and a little gameboy, lights out. My roommates Michael, Titan and Andrew were as worn out as I was. Worn out enough that a few minutes later, one of my roomies began snoring something awful. It was what I imagine to be the sound from the combination of a blackhole closing up and massive hog that just received some terrible news. Really kid?

Bright and early, time for the morning feed. Here is almost a complete picture of the little monkeys. From left to right is Andrew, Titan, myself and Michael. By far, the funniest breakfast meal I've had, there may have been a stoned chef in the back. Not to be confused with bad taste, it was the offering that made me smile, here is the list: chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs, salad bar, rice, toast, cereal, pork lo mein, hot and sour soup, pizza and a few more things. Don't tell kids in America that over here they eat chicken nuggets for breakfast, one of the only times you'll hear a 10-year old American kid say "I WANT TO GO TO TAAAAAAAAAAIWAAAAAN!!!"

Back on the bus, an hour away to Sun Moon Lake. The lake is super famous in the country; home to the Thao tribe, this spectacular body of water represents holy ground for them and talked about extensively in their folktales. It is also the largest body of water in Taiwan and hosts a 3-km race during the Mid-Autumn festivals.

The culture village was on the other side of a hill as big as a mountain but the crafty Taiwanese had installed a gondola about twenty years earlier, good work! The monkeys and I got into our skyward cube, enjoying the spectacular views. Well, they enjoyed spitting out of it into the forest below but I took a lot of pictures.

Arriving on the other side at 11:00AM, we are handed maps and are taken inside the park. Once there, our guide says meet here at 3:30PM, adios. The park has the largest European garden in the country AND the largest outdoor museum in the country including nine different villages highlighting Taiwan's earliest tribes. Or you could do what I did: eat corndogs, ride a merry-go-round 59 times, eat corndogs, play videogames, ride a tram, get sick from corndogs. There were much bigger rides that peaked my interest but motion sickness really bummed out my partners in crime. And I didn't feel like cleaning up their motion sickness. But we had a great time; I bought them ice cream, we ran around a lot and made it back to the meeting point on time. My bosses were surprised but pleased.

Back on the odorous coach, ready to get back to the city. During the daylight, the views were simply phenomenal; I had no idea the country had this kind of natural splendor. It actually reminded me of New Zealand. Winding roads hugging the mountain on one side and a steep drop on the other, rivers carving through the valleys and eating away the luminescent limestone masses, leafy flora growth stretching endlessly. A great break from the city, a bluer sky and certainly cleaner air. I'm very lucky my bosses took me and luckier that the kids are all well behaved. Without a doubt, I'll certainly be coming baaaaaaaah-ck....

Yikes.

Giraffe Field Trip - Day 1

"Teacher Andrew, do you want to come on the Giraffe overnight field trip with the kids? We have no classes next week."

(Thoughts of kids running around widly in a strange place, smelly bus ride, responsibility of any kind)

"I'm don't know, sounds a little..."

"You don't have to pay for meals and we'll be going to a hot spring."

"Er...what time do we leave?"

I'm a pushover, really. But I'm also really loyal; if my boss asked me to fight a panda with bamboo sticking out of my underwear, I'd do it. Nervously, I accepted the invitation. Besides, what can go wrong from Monday morning until Tuesday night five hours away from Taipei in an unfamiliar place not being able to read or speak the local language with thirty excitable children who have been given freedom on a level never before experienced trying to be corralled by a foreigner who is more like Bobo the circus clown? Don't answer that...

Wake up early, get on a bus, hold on to your butts. Taiwanese love taking tours, a real lot. In fact, all you do is call a tour operator, tell them where you want to go with how many people, and you are finished. Sure I'm a bit tired from last night, but three hours on a coach bus tucked away in the last row should grant me some level of rest. Wrong. The tour operator began the morning announcements in Chinese, a little "welcome, hey, don't touch that" kind of introduction I imagine. And then the plan for the day. And then his life history. And then his stand-up comedy routine. And then a reading from his memoirs. And more stand-up comedy. This went on for 86 minutes, no exaggeration because I timed it.

Destination #1:Cingjing Recreational Farm

Renai Township, Nantou County

The bus lumbers up winding cliff side roads. Passing native forests, through towering gorges, you can immerse yourself in the fresh air and wild scenery. Situated 1,800 meters above sea level (around 5,900 feet), the hillside restored my energy and cleansed my lungs of scooter air I've been huffing in Taipei for months. But if natural beauty isn't what you're looking for, you can always pester the sheep. A herd of about 70 docile sheep roam the hills of the farm, only quickening pace to avoid the over anxious kids who try ride on top of them. True to the name, this place is a farm with a few small groves of fruit trees, shaggy sheep and a small petting zoo filled with nervous rabbits.

But first, a performance! "YIPEEEE KAAY YA!" Enter pumped up white guy on a horse swinging a whip. No not Indiana Jones. And sadly, he spoke only Chinese throughout the show, showoff. Cowboy Wayne (or something) started off the show by wrasslin' up a small herd of the bored sheep, creating a stampede of minor proportions. "Hi ho silver, awayyyy!" Wayne parades them around the audience of the outdoor stage with his wireless mic, eventually leading them into a pen off to the side. A few more whip cracks, a lot more Chinese and one shaved sheep later, I'm quite amused.

After the performance, the group gathers, all sheep remain unharmed. Our tour guide leads us to the other end of the park where there is a small "Swiss" garden. In the flowerbeds were animals, structures, fences, windmills, pinwheels and more made completely out of corrugated paper. I was finally able to ride a sheep, however my White Lightning remained stationary no matter how loud I shouted "GIDDY UP!"

More to come...

Million Dollar Question

"Congratulations" a stranger says, "here is $1,000,000."

A good day for you, indeed, but what do you do with it? People I know might say buy a fancy car, get plastic surgery, pay off loans, have a party with an endangered species buffet, quit my job or take my girlfriend out for an amazing dinner at the Olive Garden. All good ideas, a good mix of the selfish and the selfless. But what about the youth? What do kids, especially Taiwanese kids forced to attend English school taught by a doofus foreigner, want to do with free money? I got a preview of their innermost desires on Friday.

I was teaching the 10-year olds - a bright young group full of future lawmakers, ditch diggers, scientists and crash test dummies. To begin classes, I always have some kind of warm-up which can be in the form of a sentence, question, activity or nap. This afternoon was...

"What would you do if you had $1,000,000 dollars?"

Teacher Andrew: "I would buy a fast car."

Of course I wouldn't but whatever. Besides, I couldn't drive fast in this city even if I wanted too. The roads are as clogged as Dick Cheney's arteries and the ubiquitous scooter would block my path like a boss. At first I wrote "I would buy a case of Dom Perignon's Moet et Chadon, a pet anteater and a Faberge egg" but tragically I was unable to translate any of the items on my wishlist. So I went with the car, easy is good. Students began to answer (all of the answers 100% unchanged), initially with the moral correctness of a saint: "I would donate it, I would give it to my mom" and "I would give it back." Wait, what? To who? Take the money and run you fools! Do you realize how many Pokemon you can buy? Have you ever had candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner? You could buy Giraffe school, fire me, pay me to be your servant and make me do humiliating things all day - too late on that last part. I congratulated them on their earnest kindness towards others, BUT, what fun would that be? I changed the question to "What would you buy with..." Finally, some creativity. Here are the top answers, the names have been changed to protect the incompetent...

4. Melinda: "I would buy 10,000 tomatoes."

She doesn't look Italian but I've been wrong about these things before. What I loved about this answer was the specificity (say that three times fast). First, 10,000. I've been alive for 8,976 days which means a tomato a day, every day for my whole life. Second, tomatoes. I don't like any product in the world to have 10,000 of it. If you know me well, maybe Frank's RedHot but still, wow.

3. Patricia: "I would buy 100 mice and one snake."

Somebody start hugging this girl. I'm sure at first the snake would be pumped. But after looking at the varmints for a little while, I think it would just end up wondering where to put all of these furry entrees. Kind of like having 10,000 tomatoes. "...no, yeah I like mice. But. You know I eat one every couple weeks, right?"

2. Buddy: "I would buy your head."

Good hair day? More like mesmerizing hair day. What would he do with it? Bowling? Keep it in a jar? I didn't dig to find the answer, some things are not worth finding out. Better idea Buddy, just take a picture. Please? Is that sword real? Ok that's not funny. Put it down, seriously. No? Ok, minus two points. Yeah, I thought so.

1. Jack: "I would fight my cat."

Yes. Amazing. The students didn't think it was very funny, they all donated to Peta last year. I guess having loads of money allows you to follow your passions: Jimmy likes animal combat. Iconic match-ups like "Ali v Frazier," "De La Hoya v Mayweather," "Tyson v Holyfield" will be replaced by "Jack v Mittens" or "Jack v Snowball." He's a bit puny, my money is on the feline.

A foreign teacher told me that sometimes the kids have a hard time being creative. I disagree, they just need to be reassured that being creative is fun and appropriate in the right environment. During their normal school day, students are drilled on the finer points of grammar, spelling and the proper usage of the verbs. But when they come to my class, they are able to spice it up a little bit: instead of Mr Smith as a subject, let's use Lady Gaga. Rather than "run a race" we could "run to the moon." In any case, there is no such thing as having too much creativity, as long as you don't get stuck with 10,000 of anything.

Halloween Part I - Student Funtivities

Even if you don't live in the United States, I firmly believe that once a year kids are entitled to free candy from strangers without doing any kind of background check. The greatness of Halloween spans the globe and my beloved Giraffe School wisely decided to be a part of this glorious day.

For the month of October, my fellow teachers and I loaded our kids with vocabulary relating to the special day - words like 'Frankenstein, graveyard, ghost' etc. were a part of our everyday English. I had quite a bit of fun with them and we'd play charades to guess the word. For example, a student would walk stiff for 'mummy' or flap their arms for 'bat'. I ran into a bit of trouble when they started nibbling each other for 'vampire' and serious trouble when they started to eat each others' brains for 'zombie'. Very true to life, well done.

On the actual day, classes were cut short to prepare for our night activity, taking the hell-raisers around the town to trick or treat. Dressed like Michael Jackson circa 1982 'Thriller' video, my army of goblins staggered from business to business and singing the classic 'trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something blah blah..'. Being the neighborhood English school, the places we went to were preselected and were patiently awaiting our arrival. After the first couple of groups went through, they were patiently awaiting our immediate departure. I guess a few dozen kids screaming they were going to pull down your underwear unless you gave them candy is bad for business.

Most of the younger kids dressed up - many superheroes, princesses, vampires - but unfortunately some of the older students were approaching the 'too cool' stage of their late childhood. For them smearing some magic marker on their face (my recommendation, of course) qualified them as a bonafide werewolf or grab some toilet and drape it over your head, instant ghost.

I also realized why Halloween in New England is incredible. My young friends and I would walk house to house in a neighborhood with walkways to front doors. You could see who had lights on, enjoyed plenty of space to sprint around the neighborhood feverishly and hide easily from your parents who try to convince you that four pillowcases full of candy is enough. Here, most everybody lives in apartment buildings, the city doesn't stop and the candy here is...unquestionably... TERRIBLE! It's mostly hard candy with strange flavors. I swear I had an asparagus flavor, a pork rind flavor and something I imagine what Windex tastes like. Fools! Do you want kids to hate you? Let me tell you, I think you're doing a good job.

After returning to the elementary school across the street from Giraffe without losing a single kid, there was a treasure hunt outside around the track and playgrounds. We should have been more specific because after we said go, kids were trying to climb trees, shimmy up down spouts, dig holes and break into the buildings. You'd of thought we told them we hid gold bullion or diamonds the way they swarmed the schoolyard like an angry swarm of bees. After coaxing them back inside, the treasures were counted up and school points were given to the team of crafty hunters.

Everybody had a great time - nobody cried and I got a stomachache courtesy of a ear wax-flavored lollipop. Unfortunately, I didn't carve a pumpkin, smash any mailboxes, ring any doorbells and run away, toilet paper any houses or set bags of poo on fire in front of people's houses. All that happened later...