Snacker Self-Help

Have you ever had awkward moments with your loved ones and snack food? Is it hard to speak with your maturing teenager about sensitive topics involving tasty morsels? Do you wish there was something out there that could alleviate your munchy anxiety? Your pathetic excuse for communication skills can't help you, the taste of fear still fresh in the back of your throat from the last failed occasion you brought turnips to poker night with the guys. You are terrible. And ugly. But there is hope...

Fear not bottom-feeders of the snack food world, I can help you! Hi, I'm Dr Arthur Doodleweissenhauserville and I've written a new self-help guide to get you on the right track towards snacking utopia, Green Peas & You. I'm just like you, minus the ugly part, and I'm here to share with you my tried and tested approach to snacking the smarter way. My system is engaging, useful, dynamic and clearly lays out the steps you need in order to change your life in a drastic way. Life is hard enough as it is: the deficit is piling up, pickle jars are nearly impossible to open, the post office keeps raising the price of stamps, Taco Bell isn't putting any beef into their beef products. Allow me to remove one more roadblock of life that isn't getting any smaller, the ability to manager your snack portfolio. See what a few of my clients are saying so far...

Consuela O'Malley - North Reading, Ohio:
"I was lost and confused in a colorful cellophane haze. Eating nasty crap around every corner, I hit my low point when I believed ice cubes sprinkled with a little bit of fish sauce would go great at my book club paired with hot chocolate. Boy was I wrong! Even my husband seemed to distance himself. After I served him peanut butter halibut in a bellybutton lint reduction sauce, his tongue became permanently disgusted. But after finding and absorbing a copy of Green Peas & You, it felt like a boulder had been lifted off my soul. Now my life couldn't be better; my husband Tonto and I are closer than ever, the ladies are back at my place for book club and I know just what to serve, nothing! Thanks Dr Doodleweissenhauserville!"

Hiroshi Callahan - Arcadia, California: "Being a father in this day and age could be difficult, especially with a teenage daughter. There is so much competition out there, I hardly get a word in before Doritos, Oreos, Justin Bieber and Fritos crank up the volume. Last year, my little Beehiveface was starting to hang out with the wrong crowd, the type that thinks mixing Chex Mix and pickled eggs on a blueberry pancake is acceptable. I knew things were getting bad when she dropped her purse and out spilled a candied-apple dipped in soy sauce, oh the humanity! That night, my wife Dinky and I decided we needed to take action. Thankfully, Green Peas & You was our savior. After reviewing the techniques of Dr. Doodleweissenhauserville and applying them on a daily basis, our little devil is back on track. By using this tome of confusing, ass-backwards hypnotherapy starter kit, things have really turned around. Now when kids ask my little dumpling after school to take a hit of a smoked beef stick smothered in Cool Whip, she knows just how to react - by peeing her pants and running away crying!"

Why waste another day telling yourself everything is going to work itself out? It isn't, life is short, brutal and unfair. However, I can help you! If you want all of your wildest dreams to come true, buy this book. If you want to be better looking, more popular and make more money, buy this book. I guarantee if you buy this book, I will send it to your HOME ADDRESS! But wait, there is more - if you order now, you'll get one for the price of one while supplies last for a limited time. And I'm not done yet, if you live in my neighborhood, shipping is free! I'll just drop it right into your mailbox, no questions asked! Buy this, now. You need it! And if you don't buy my book Green Peas & You right away, you will either be struck by lightning or run over by a herd of elephants. Here's how to order!

Overflowing

Sometimes too much is, well...simply too much. Your stomach can be like a host throwing a party. At first, everything is going as planned; you know who is coming by, if they are bringing friends, when everybody will arrive, everything copacetic. But then, guests start calling people outside your tummy party - "Dude, you've got to come by! EVERYBODY is here!" Time passes, more people show up, a fight breaks out. The landlord demands the music to be turned off, all of you get the hell out of here. Nope, not that door, the way you came in. NOW!!!

Yuck! I thought the analogy would soften the reasoning behind what I found at an all you can eat/drink restaurant in Taipei on my quest for interesting signage. Some locals invited me to dinner at a bustling, modern BBQ spot on the east side of the city. Soft blue LED accent punctuated the ultra white driftwood splayed along the walls and ceiling. A DJ in a faraway booth was spinning very mellow, downtempo melodica really underpinning the atmosphere of hip. I'm pretty sure I was way better looking in this restaurant, definitely funnier. Every edible animal is available for your enjoyment, vegetables I'm still looking up on Wikipedia and personal table attendants to help you cook your food on your tabletop grill. He'll even give you recommendations. For example, once I found out that it was all you could eat bacon, and after I wiped away tears of joy, a friendly staff member showed me how to wrap bacon in other things. Like scallions, or more bacon.

Casually excusing myself for a quick visit to the WC, I enter the men's and pass a little enclave in a separate area.

Vomiting Area.

Chic, contemporary front of the house where smiles and enjoyment is shared. Shameful, embarrassing back of the house where discomfort and breath mints are shared. I mentioned that this is an all you can eat place; you have two hours to pack, or in the case, over-pack you stomach with every kind of food you can imagine cooked to your exact specifications. How can theses scallops get better? Wrap 'em in bacon. What could make this lettuce wrap more tantalizing? Add bacon. What is this salad missing? Vegetables, but who cares, we got more bacon! At this restaurant, the words "I'm full" don't get you off the hook at all.

Strangely, this place wasn't a ruckus, with people getting drunk off grease and cholesterol only. If I was at the Uncle Pete's Roadhouse Texas Tequila Taco Shack located behind the interstate rest stop, I would be begging for such aforementioned area (seriously Uncle Pete, gross). But not the case. Clean, professional, well-known were the only words used to describe this place. I guess some Taiwanese have difficulty with moderation. Maybe there was a bacon fan like myself that was overcome with adrenaline, forgetting the limitations of a digestive system, putting 78 strips of bacon in a stomach meant to hold 14. Like trying to fit an anaconda in a fish bowl, it just isn't going to happen.

Two hours of eating is a marathon. In my excitement, I started off the race sprinting. But, over the years I have found it wise to listen to my body when it says, "if you eat this, I'm going to punish you dearly." Of course, I did not visit the vomiting area, instead I visited my couch area for the next 4 - 6 hours while I dozed in and out of consciousness. Besides, I'm on good terms with my belly landlord and I wouldn't want to upset our relationship. Pass the Lipitor, please.

Flirty Toilet

I like things that are straightforward, especially my toilets. Per the norm for obsessive signage in all areas of public transportation, these signs are found inside the subway station restrooms. "Come Closer Please" - very polite, suggestive even. Hopefully I get a phone number after this encounter, if not I'll settle for a thorough hand washing. I wonder if this was a literal translation or if it is something the engineers just settled on to encourage foreigners not to make a mess. I have a few suggestions to improve this message...

- Come Closer Please, You Smell Great

- Have We Met Before?

- Comer Closer Please...Wow!

- Welcome Back!

- It Was Good For Me

- You From Around Here?

But like all things public transportation, the facilities shine and sparkle, my nose twitches from the bleached air. Unlike some transit abominations (South Station, Boston or Port Authority, NYC), I don't feel the need to light my clothes on fire after I exit. Instead of using acetone to wash my hands and a therapist to cope with my pathological fear of contamination, Taipei stocks velvety Softsoap Antibacterial Liquid Hand Soap with Light Moisturizers with hint of vanilla scent. My skin celebrates!

You're doing it wrong.

Coming next...

Are you at a bar and have had too much to drink? Trying to enjoy the contents of your stomach a second time in reverse? Need to make upchuck and don't know where to go? I will show the world!

Quit Bossing Me Around, Subway

The public transportation system here is great; clean, fast, cheap, air-conditioned and extremely simple to use. But things weren't always like this, in fact it used to be unruly, dangerous and shady. Since the passing of the Dark Ages, the transportation department has spruced it up with some sweet signage to avoid any problems. Here are a few choice examples...

As you can see, the subway is littered with questionable characters - there is a designated section for women and children to wait for the train under the watchful eye of a security camera. I'm not sure if it is working...
Don't even THINK of bringing your pet pigeons or fireworks collection. Pigeons already crap on cities too much, if they caught fire too it would be disastrous. Your dog is fine, as long as it is in your purse.


WHERE AND HOW DO WE WAIT FOR THE TRAIN?!?! Problem solved, pedestrian lanes! And they are used - yesterday I got caught in a six Taiwanese pile-up after a bucket of eels spilled onto the platform.


BUT WHAT IF THERE ARE NO LANES?!?! Form a queue behind this line.


Does this look like a jungle gym? They put these everywhere, even on walls! Any Spiderman impressions will not be tolerated.


If you are a diabetic and need a sugar fix, too bad. Just inhale a fistful of dust bunnies? Choke it down, or you will be fined $7,500 Taiwanese, or $0.83 US.


These suckers move fast, please hold handrail, seat belt is just under that.


You wouldn't want to known as a loose stander, would you?

After a couple weeks, I finally know how to properly use the escalator, check out my excellent form.