Snacker Self-Help

Have you ever had awkward moments with your loved ones and snack food? Is it hard to speak with your maturing teenager about sensitive topics involving tasty morsels? Do you wish there was something out there that could alleviate your munchy anxiety? Your pathetic excuse for communication skills can't help you, the taste of fear still fresh in the back of your throat from the last failed occasion you brought turnips to poker night with the guys. You are terrible. And ugly. But there is hope...

Fear not bottom-feeders of the snack food world, I can help you! Hi, I'm Dr Arthur Doodleweissenhauserville and I've written a new self-help guide to get you on the right track towards snacking utopia, Green Peas & You. I'm just like you, minus the ugly part, and I'm here to share with you my tried and tested approach to snacking the smarter way. My system is engaging, useful, dynamic and clearly lays out the steps you need in order to change your life in a drastic way. Life is hard enough as it is: the deficit is piling up, pickle jars are nearly impossible to open, the post office keeps raising the price of stamps, Taco Bell isn't putting any beef into their beef products. Allow me to remove one more roadblock of life that isn't getting any smaller, the ability to manager your snack portfolio. See what a few of my clients are saying so far...

Consuela O'Malley - North Reading, Ohio:
"I was lost and confused in a colorful cellophane haze. Eating nasty crap around every corner, I hit my low point when I believed ice cubes sprinkled with a little bit of fish sauce would go great at my book club paired with hot chocolate. Boy was I wrong! Even my husband seemed to distance himself. After I served him peanut butter halibut in a bellybutton lint reduction sauce, his tongue became permanently disgusted. But after finding and absorbing a copy of Green Peas & You, it felt like a boulder had been lifted off my soul. Now my life couldn't be better; my husband Tonto and I are closer than ever, the ladies are back at my place for book club and I know just what to serve, nothing! Thanks Dr Doodleweissenhauserville!"

Hiroshi Callahan - Arcadia, California: "Being a father in this day and age could be difficult, especially with a teenage daughter. There is so much competition out there, I hardly get a word in before Doritos, Oreos, Justin Bieber and Fritos crank up the volume. Last year, my little Beehiveface was starting to hang out with the wrong crowd, the type that thinks mixing Chex Mix and pickled eggs on a blueberry pancake is acceptable. I knew things were getting bad when she dropped her purse and out spilled a candied-apple dipped in soy sauce, oh the humanity! That night, my wife Dinky and I decided we needed to take action. Thankfully, Green Peas & You was our savior. After reviewing the techniques of Dr. Doodleweissenhauserville and applying them on a daily basis, our little devil is back on track. By using this tome of confusing, ass-backwards hypnotherapy starter kit, things have really turned around. Now when kids ask my little dumpling after school to take a hit of a smoked beef stick smothered in Cool Whip, she knows just how to react - by peeing her pants and running away crying!"

Why waste another day telling yourself everything is going to work itself out? It isn't, life is short, brutal and unfair. However, I can help you! If you want all of your wildest dreams to come true, buy this book. If you want to be better looking, more popular and make more money, buy this book. I guarantee if you buy this book, I will send it to your HOME ADDRESS! But wait, there is more - if you order now, you'll get one for the price of one while supplies last for a limited time. And I'm not done yet, if you live in my neighborhood, shipping is free! I'll just drop it right into your mailbox, no questions asked! Buy this, now. You need it! And if you don't buy my book Green Peas & You right away, you will either be struck by lightning or run over by a herd of elephants. Here's how to order!