Your Brain On Kimchi

Each day in the United States, families squash in front roadside attractions for a photo op before hearing 'say cheeeeese!' and in knee jerk fashion, repeating the command. I never gave it much thought until I came to Korea and a few Korean friends asked to take a picture. Per usual, I tussled my hair, turned my body to highlight my good side, and put my pants back on for a memorable shot of us in front of the carousel. To my surprise, the photographer said "...1, 2, 3...KIM-CHIIIII!!!" At the time, I was quite surprised but after thinking about it for a few seconds, it makes total sense. If you've heard of more than five things from Korea, I'd be surprised. Before coming here, my short list was...

1. Kimchi

2. Taekwondo

3. Samsung/LG/Kia

4. Soju

5. Free overtime

Kimchi, however, easily takes the top spot as the most important and identifiable staple to Korean tradition. If the government decided to change the country's flag tomorrow, kimchi would be in its center. If Koreans weren't too busy eating it, I'd imagine I'd find it in shampoo, hand moisturizer, or envelope glue. In fact, many foreigners think the natural scent of a South Korean citizen is the tangy aroma of kimchi, when in fact they have probably just come from having a bit to freshen up. South Koreans think all Americans smell like cheese and eggs, when in fact we smell like cheese, eggs, AND blood pressure medication.

The history of kimchi can arguably go back to the first century, the beginning of the Three Kingdoms of Korea. Early varieties were created from fermented napa cabbage and beef stock; the appearance of the vivid red pepper flakes came into the mix after Japanese invasions in the mid-16th century. Bringing it up to modern day, the proud citizens created the Kimchi Field Museum in Seoul to celebrate all 187 varieties of this superfood. A true inspiration to fermented foods everywhere!

Thus far, I have eaten almost a dozen different kinds. I can't say for sure because since it is omnipresent at every dining establishment, I don't really have time to discuss with the waiters the finer points of their offering. Without a doubt, each eatery purchases or makes their favorite kind and will never reveal their preparation techniques. Not to mention, this is one of the most healthy foods in the world. Health magazine (I'm assuming they know a thing or two about...health) named it in the top five for healthiest foods because of nutritional value, natural digestion properties, and potential cancer fighting qualities. And in my own personal research, if you like kimchi, Koreans like you - win, win!

In order to Koreanize myself, I decided to prepare my own. It would be much disgraceful if I had over Korean guests and had no kimchi to throw in their face. After some minor interwebz research, I had a short list of veggies I needed to acquire and like in every Asian country, there is a vegetable lady right around the corner from me who had my merchandise. To make matters even easier, I was browsing the cabbages and mumbled the word 'kimchi' under my breath while she was in earshot. Faster than you can say 'Hyundai', she gathered up everything I needed in order to make my dream a reality. Packaged and ready to chop was the napa cabbage, radish, green onion, carrot, garlic, and ginger. The other ingredients (fish sauce, salt, hot pepper, flake, sugar) could be picked up at the local store with the stuff in it. I'll spare you the process of making the product and skip right to the review of my first batch of 'mak kimchi'.

The Results: Many dishonor points to you and your ancestors. Certainly I wouldn't say the result was terrible, but it didn't have that Korean-ness that I had in restaurants. Where theirs had sauce that was paste-like, mine was a bit watery. Theirs was spicy and crisp, mine was acidy and spongy. Theirs smelled like sour vegetables, mine smelled like sour toe nails. Theirs looked bright and inviting, mine looked like octopus roadkill. NONE THE LESS, this was my child, my creation, and I loved it dearly. And I ate all of my child, usually on rice.

Not a bad first effort, I've already got the next batch in the works. This kind is made from cubed Korean radish called 'kkakdugi' (kak-doo-gee).

#3 - What The Hell Is This?

If you thought I was moving to Taipei and not going to eat a lot of weird treats for your enjoyment, you are dead wrong my friend. Today's post is brought to you by Rolaids. Easing your discomfort after mowing down a bucket of ox gall bladders with a side of eel farts has never been easier. Just grab a few tablets, chew, and wash it down with a tall glass of fish pee and you should be feeling better right away. Let's check out today's mystery...

The Item: I was casually loitering at my local 7Eleven, browsing as usual, and I found this unusual item. In a resealable, pink plastic bag, there isn't much to explore by simple means of observation. The foreground features a lovely pile of purpley-brown nuggets frosted in a powder, sugar I'm thinking, but possibly anthrax. In the background is a glass of an orange liquid accented by green stems or leaves, like Tang with decorated with grass clippings. The only English is a little bit helpful, on the dark pink banner mentioning 'It tastes sour and sweet.' Helpful, I really like the ambiguous 'It' suggestion.

The other side has a viewing area; you may observe your snacks at rest before their demise. Again, not a whole lot going on. The picture on the front is a little bit off - instead of the smooth, snowy appearance, my goodies are wrinkled tidbits covered in white fungal spores. Has this thing been sealed properly? Where did these come from anyways?

I pay for my merchandise and scurry back to my apartment like a mouse with his cheese. Tearing open the package, the aroma of artificial sweet fruit fills my room. The scent is what I imagine Lady Speed Stick to smell like, perfumey and strong enough for a man but meant for a woman. Before tasting, some guesses I have are figs, cherries, tiny plums, dates, or rabbit droppings. Yes dear friends, I had to go there, and explore the uncomfortable option that maybe, just maybe, this rare Taiwanese delicacy has found its way into the mass markets of the public. As an outsider, I find it absolutely essential to separate myself, abstain from any ethnocentric assumptions, and consider ALL the options. More research is necessary...

It is my mouth, I have the right to know. To the right is a strangely detailed and accurate picture of the droppings from oryctolagus cuniculus, commonly referred to as a European Rabbit. Wikipedia has not installed scratch-and-sniff webpages, I am unable to determine a match in smell. The size, original color, and shape are remarkably similar, my tongue begins to curl in disgust. Using the latest photographic technology used by the CIA to track criminals who change their appearance, here is a computer-generated image with the effect of 'powdered sugar' turned on to match my culprit...

Oh...

my...

God!

These resemblance is dead on! The system tells me it is 90% positive that my picture is a positive match. Knowing this evil, maddening fact, the experiment must continue.

The Guess: The Taiwanese population seem to have their act together, I don't think a whole society walking around popping rabbit nuggets into their mouthes could be so hospitable or friendly. Against the strong, compelling photographic evidence, I'm going to say it is a cherry.

The Result: Ow. These niblets are 75% pit, 25% flesh - in my excitement, I noshed a little bit too hard and maybe loosened a filling. Immediate taste is sweet, followed by a sourness so intense, my tongue twists into a question mark, making it impossible to talk. Tart is an understatement, like lemon concentrate, I can barely open my eyes. A few seconds later, the rush subsides leaving my mouth tired, palette exhausted. The pit is oval, similar to an olive, but the results are still unknown. I visit Google Translate, punch in a few guesses of what I think it is, and the symbols for 'plum' are very similar. But technology fooled me once already today, I can rest easy knowing that no rabbits were harmed in the making and packaging of my experiment.

Conclusion: Inconclusive

Snacker Self-Help

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